jokes

[maya]

♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The broter, who was reading comics, said, "Superman" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap." The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no My wife's dinner party" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there"

 

 

[maya]

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked. "Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." "Oh, that's awful" "You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie"
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone"
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
he Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
Man calls home. Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•

 

 

[maya]

•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
There was a boy who wanted to go out for recess. His teacher asked, "First tell me your ABC's". That night, the kid asks his mother "What're my ABC's?" She says, "Shut up" He asks his sister the same question. She says, "yeah, yeah". He asks his brother his ABC's. The broter, who was reading comics, said, "Superman" The boy asks his father his ABC's. The father, who had just lost his job, said, "Crap." The next day, the teacher asked the boy his ABC's. He said "Shut up" She said "Do you want to go to the principal's office?" He said, "yeah, yeah." In the principal's office, the principal demanded, "Who do you think you are?" The boy yelled, "Superman" The principal said, "What do you think this school is made out of?" The boy answered, "Crap."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no My wife's dinner party" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there"

 

 

[maya]

•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell."
"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "May I have a look at hell first?"
And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell.
"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions" exclaimed Bill.
"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you."
"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?"
"Yep. With no bugs, Bill."
"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?"
(Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) "Like this"
"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell" replies, Gates.
And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit.
"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?" cries Gates.
"Oh that, that was just a demo..."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks She just died and left me everything"
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days"
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•

 

 

[maya]

•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A young boy had just
gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father,
who was a minister,
if they could discuss his use
of the family car.
His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,
study your bible a little,
and get your hair cut,
then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back
and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son,
I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,
you've studied your bible diligently,
but you didn't get a hair cut"
The young man waited a moment
and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,
"Yes son,
and they walked everywhere they went"
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked,
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him,
"Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
•·.·•♥♥FUNNY♥TIME♥♥•·.·•
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook"

 

 

[younis2008]

Thanks, with all my best wishes to be the Queen of happenis, soon and for ever.

 

 

[younis2008]

With all the beast for the queen of happenes